Switzerland: The Good, The Bad, and the Beautiful
By Jon Glassberg
Team America, comprising of Paul Robinson, Carlo Traversi, Connor Griffith, and myself, spent a total of two months in Switzerland, climbing and soaking in the culture. We had some ups, some downs, and even some sideways, all leading to one decisive conclusion: Switzerland kicks ass.
Life is good in Switzerland and I found myself searching for a unique way to describe what happened there and what I came away with. After days toiling over the potential avenues I could take to express even half of the excitement I felt on the trip, I decided to make a list of the best things the country had to offer, as well as a handful of things that are better in the U.S. of A.
The Good:
The Rock – There is not much to say here that hasn’t already been said, but the rock is perfect. Fine grained sandstone-style granite with perfect edges, slopers, and crimps. Brione is smooth and feels like climbing at the gym, Cresciano is the ideal combination of texture and poured concrete, and Chironico is somewhere nestled in between. It is finger heroin for climbers and we did not want to leave.
Climbing Passion – Everyone is always out climbing. All day, every day, cleaning boulders, sending everything, always psyched. They even offer bouldering as a course at the university and they take you out to Cresciano to for gym class…
Pad Stashing – There is a pad stashed at nearly every boulder problem and there isn’t a single online message board with people arguing over etiquette. This is magically refreshing and obviously not worth the headache back in the states...
Tick Marks – They are everywhere and they are nice and long, the way I like them.
Boulder Problem Labeling – Nearly every problem’s start holds are labeled with a painted white arrow, showing the start and the direction the problem climbs in.
Guide Books – Cresciano and Chironico have very comprehensive guidebooks with excellent photos, route descriptions and accurate grading.
Cleanliness – Switzerland is very clean. The roads, the towns, the people, the stores, everything, all perfect and sterile, no litter, no abandoned buildings, just flawless in every way. Well-groomed.
Cars – The Swiss drive very nice cars. They drive them fast, they obey the law, and they have zero tolerance for ignorant drivers. We were routinely passed on the Autostrada: either by Ferraris going 180 km/hr, or motorcycles weaving through traffic. It just felt normal.
Grocery Store Prices – Once you figure out what food to buy, it’s much cheaper than the States. For example, our daily diet includes: fatty loaf of bread ($.90), package of salami that lasts for at least 4 days ($3.50), Doppel Keks ($2.00), Prix energy drink ($.90), giant block of brie ($2.00), and two liters of Prix Orange Drink ($.70). Don’t even get me started on the paprika chips, sweet mother of god they are tasty.
Quality Of The Food – Even the generic, low-price food brands taste like Whole Foods in the States. The $.70 energy drink, identical to Red Bull, even passed the blind taste test.
Beautiful People – Everyone in Switzerland looks healthy, clean, and well put together. There are not many overweight people; everyone seems to actually care about what they look like here. It’s a nice change of pace from the States.
Swiss Pride – There is an abundance of Swiss pride. At times the “CH” stickers on the cars, the Swiss flags everywhere, and the Swiss attitude can get overwhelming. It is awesome to see a country of people so tightly bonded through pride and there seems to be an unspoken respect for fellow countrymen.
Mountains – Although the mountains are only in the 4,000 – 8,000 ft range, they look huge and dramatic. Most of the country sits around sea level and the peaks jut violently out of the valleys and end in abrupt snowcaps.
The Roads – The highway infrastructure in Switzerland is NUTS and consists of clean, wide roads that wind across huge bridges and through long tunnels, in and around the mountains. Driving on the roads in Switzerland is a privilege and a treat…
Traffic Lights – The traffic lights turn yellow before they turn green. What more can I say? Genius. The fact that we don’t do this in the states baffles me and makes me question everything I have ever come to know about anything ever.
Traffic Circles – Keep the flow of traffic perfectly and as a result there is never any stopping on the roads. Just the occasional close-call when you expect a driver to turn and he just keeps going around…
Exchange Rate – The Swiss Franc was at a 1:1 ratio while we were living in Switzerland and it made nearly everything affordable and reasonable. As the European economy seems to be collapsing, things are looking bright for travel in the EU over the next few years, especially for climbers.
The disco – Hard style techno, minimal, American rap, trance, and house music rule the clubs. It feels like home away from home and we all took full advantage!
Public Transportation – Buses and trains are everywhere and everyone uses them. The busiest parts of each town are around the train stations; this is typically where we see the most beautiful people having the best times. The planes are cheap within the EU as well. I was able to get a round trip ticket from Milan to Seville for less than 50 Euro. I routinely see ads for 19 Euro round-trip tickets to various destinations in the EU and the airlines are quick and efficient.
The Bad:
Chipping – Tons of fabricated holds and chipped grips in Switzerland but very little glue. You just get used to it and assume that holds are created at the hands of first-ascentionists.
Sit Starts – People here are very serious about sit starts. If you are a shorty it can be impossible to sit down and reach the start holds that taller fellas can easily grab. There is no hesitation from the locals to call you out and spray to all their friends about how you didn’t do the problem because your right ass cheek was hovering 4cm above the ground when you pulled the first move.
Grades – The grade range for each problem can be massive. It seemed like every problem we climbed on had a three-grade span of difficulty. For reference: many of the Swiss problems logged on 8a.nu come complete with a long trail of potential grades following the boulder names.
Top Outs – A staggeringly large quantity of boulder problems in Switzerland do not top out. In some cases it is a result of beautiful moss, in other cases it is lack of top out holds, and sometimes for no reason problems end in an arbitrary hang and drop. Not standing on top of a boulder leaves you with an
empty feeling and a lack of completion.
Shit Talking Climbers, Closed Projects, and Egos – This is a universal problem with climbers but it was amplified in Switzerland. That’s what happens when you get a huge population of climbers all hustling for the same goal, to climb hard boulders.
Prices – To fill up our little Diesel Alfa Romero it costs $100.00 Francs and it hurt. We filled up a lot in Switzerland. It always stings. Restaurant food is a bit pricey but you get a lot in Switzerland. The food in Italy is cheap and you get TONS; 5 Euros for a HUGE pizza.
Rain / Humidity – Dealing with the weather is something that I was glad to leave behind when I moved to Colorado from the East Coast, and I remember why it can be so frustrating. The humidity in Switzerland is maddening; I always imagined the area to be dry and similar in climate to CO. Upon arrival it seem
ed more like a jungle than anything else. The weather becomes a game of “what’s going to be dry” and we found ourselves constantly making weather-related climbing decisions.
European Outlets – Stupid Euro outlets that don’t even accept European plugs! Splitters and three-pronged plugs are death and if you are lucky, you will be charging something, the voltage will be wrong, the converter will fail, and your razor will catch on fire and you will be left with a nasty moustache you just can’t get rid of…
Speed Limits and Fines - $700.00 speeding tickets anyone? How about doing 25 km/hr over in a town… How does a $2,000-Franc ticket sound? How about when the cops whip out a satellite-linked credit card swipe machine on the spot and drain your bank account… NOT GOOD.
Language Barrier – The Swiss pride is strong and as a result there is no desire to learn English (and why would you want to?) so everyone speaks Italian or German, and that’s it. Not a single word of English, unless a Rihanna song comes on, in which case, they know every word perfectly and sing along with immaculate American accents.
Business Hours – The grocery store is only open past 6:30pm 1 day a week. So when you come home from climbing at 7pm you are SOL. Nothing is open on Sunday and the chance of getting business
done when you need to is slim.
Beer – 99% of Swiss beer is blonde lager (a.k.a. ‘hell bier’). If you are accustomed to the plethora of microbrews in the states, you will go insane. If ANY sort of ales were more prevalent, we Americans would all be broke.
Cell Phones – Texting and calling people all the time seems like an American thing. Very few people have “unlimited plans” here and communicating by phone is just unnecessary. Very few people do it, including the youth, and Facebook is the preferred communication device.
No Ice! – We got to talking to a friend we met in Switzerland and we asked him why there was no ice in the freezers, no ice trays, no ice for sale in the stores, and just plain no ice at all, and after a confused look he said to us, “Yeah I guess you’re right, there’s no ice here.” Not cool. I need whiskey on the rocks, not boiling hot poison whiskey.
Franc Coins – There are two very frustrating coins that you have to deal with in Switzerland. The .50 Franc and the 5 Franc coins are the worst. The .50 is way too small and disappear easily. You end up losing tons of money. The 5.00 Franc coin is just too large monetarily. A pocket full of 5.00 coins can be 30.00 Francs easily!
Lack of Wildlife – Between the three of us Carlo saw a fox, Connor saw a squirrel and I saw what could have been the rare Swiss Woodpecker. Oh and I think we saw a giant Salamander once, but that was it.
Sundays – Every Sunday, without fail, was a rainy, snowy, un-climbable mess. Nothing is open on Sundays either, so it is a day of pure HELL… 
Twin Euro Beds – I am way too tall for European beds. Our beautiful mountain house was fitted with 7 beds that did not even come close to accommodating my giant body. I can’t even imagine what it would be like to travel with a girlfriend / wife / estranged lover because the beds are not made for adult relations.
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Upon Reflection, Switzerland is amazing in so many ways but I have come to love a lot of “creature comforts” we have here in the states. After living and climbing in Europe for a while, I’m sure that the system is easily dialed but the initial shock and discomfort of a new way of life can be overwhelming. I’m not even going to pretend for a second that I can live without my cell phone, I need it and I don’t care who knows it…
I have already started planning a return trip and in a perfect world, I would live there seasonally and soak in the best of both worlds. Climb all day, party all night. Now that is a lifestyle I can get used to…
