For Your Mountain: Erin Ton

It is easy to look at somebody on the outside and believe their life has been a certain way. According to others, I come off as a happy-go-lucky, free-spirited person who enjoys spending immense amounts of time running around in the mountains. Which I do. This is all true. However, it is also easy for others to be presumptuous and extrapolate how you are now to how you have always been. In my case, this is not true. It has taken me a long time to find the security and confidence in who I am now. We all use stereotypes whether intentional or not; they are ingrained in our nature to judge people and scenarios that might pose a threat. We utilize them as clues to determine how we should behave in certain social situations. And while it is arguably impossible to ever eliminate them entirely, I think that we should become more aware of our thoughts and question why we think the way we do. Is there rational or are we judging based on stereotypes that have been socialized into us? In doing so, I think we might begin to see the layers that constitute each one of us and it would create a more empathetic collective. This is the story behind my layers and the mountains I have had to overcome...

In hindsight, it all makes sense. It’s funny how that works. When dealing with adversity in real time, the pieces seem sporadic and random. When reflecting, they all fall like a chain of dominos and the causal links that lead us to make certain decisions make sense. It is hard to find a label to attach to what I have gone through. Off the top of my head: obsessive compulsive disorder, body dysmorphia, imposter syndrome, disordered eating. These labels alone do not reveal the whole image. It is only once I begin to unravel the connections that I can explain how they are all related.

I guess I need to go back to childhood to explain the origin story. I have been able to accomplish some large endurance activities in recent years, which may lead some to believe that I have been healthy and athletic my whole life. This is not the case. I have dealt with musculoskeletal issues that even some of my closest friends and family members are not privy to. Starting off, I hit puberty at the very tailend of what is considered healthy for girls. As a result, my growth spurt came all at once. This is a rather uncomfortable subject for me to discuss, but I hope other women will find it relatable and helpful. I went from a relatively boy-ish figure to having breasts that were unproportional to my frame. They weighed me down and made it difficult to hike let alone run, which impacted my mental health immensely. In December of 2018, I had a breast reduction, which was one of the best decisions I have made in my entire life. I am grateful for the ability to run because I know what it is like to literally be weighed down. Having a large chest is something that I think is often sexualized in society, however going through the process made me wish there were more resources accessible to women who could be phenomenal athletes but are limited by physical restrictions.

A secondary byproduct of my immediate growth spurt was scoliosis, or an uneven curvature of the spine. When it was discovered that I had this, it was on the cusp of not being severe enough to warrant surgery. However, it bothered me greatly. I have been a perfectionist my whole life. In elementary school, I was placed in the “Gifted and Talented” program for my obsessive compulsive tendencies. Reflecting back, the “Gifted and Talented” program was just a polite way of saying different, or abnormal. Anyways, my perfectionist tendencies have infiltrated multiple areas in my life and led me to always want to be the best. Growing up, I had to get the best grades to feel worthy. I had to be accepted into the best colleges to feel worthy. This was all a means of control. And it infiltrated the way I perceive my physical appearance as well. My scoliosis was an ever-present mark that I was not “perfect.” I was quite literally “bent,” “broken,” “imperfect.” And if I did not like myself for being imperfect, this meant that others did not like me either. Scoliosis was the one thing I could not control, so I latched onto anything and everything that I could control, which led to years and years of restricted eating and eating disorders in various forms.

I would like to say that the worst of my disordered eating was far in the past, but when I first entered into the world of trail running and realized that I had potential, I compared the way my body looked to other runners and did not feel like I fit into the group. I had not been running since high school, I had not necessarily even been “athletic” my whole life. I did not have chiseled abs and a body fat percentage in the single digits. So I grasped at straws. Logically, my
brain told me: if you weigh less, you run faster, and if you want to weigh less then logically you have to eat less. And it worked for a little while, until it didn’t. In October of 2021, I fractured the second metatarsal in my left foot. I could no longer walk let alone run. My doctor took a DEXA bone density scan that came back with osteopenia, which is the precursor to osteoporosis. All the signs of RED-S (relative energy deficiency syndrome) such as loss of period were there. Alas, I did not listen. My fracture was the result of chronic underfueling relative to the quantity of training I was doing. I received surgery on my foot and am fortunately back to normal, but the recovery process made me reevaluate my identity and gain a new appreciation for the ability to run. I would run regardless of performance because it makes me feel happy and free to explore new places on foot. Risking that because of restricted eating was not something that I was willing to compromise.

And while I still get self-conscious about the way I look and the curvature of my spine, I have found a certain solace and beauty in what I cannot control. There are many elite athletes who I admire who also deal with scoliosis such as Usain Bolt, Kyra Condie, Scott Jurek, and even the fictional character Forrest Gump. I feel vulnerable and scared sharing this piece of information about my life because it conflicts with the “perfect” image I try to portray. However, I hope that it can empower others to take their restrictions and turn them into assets. I think if anything it has contributed to my tenacious and prove-others-wrong mentality, which is reflected in my endeavors to climb big mountains as a solo woman and even influenced my project to climb the 14ers in high heels (which has garnered many opinions from men about what a woman “should” be doing). So, I guess my message is to defy stereotypes. Defy the stereotypes others have set for you and defy the stereotypes you have set for yourself. With persistence, it is never too late to hurdle any mountains you face.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

 Erin Ton is a member of the La Sportiva Mountain Running® Team