When in doubt, go find out: Matthew Domm

“I wish I was young like you and able to get around to these incredible goals.” My coworker stated to me, after I gave my explanation as to why I had to leave early on a Friday. We just wrapped up our morning meeting, where I announced that I had to leave early to get ready for the 100km race that I was set out to do the next day. I looked at my co-worker puzzled, as I could hear his personal doubt in his statement. He was known at our local outdoor store to be super experienced in multi-day backcountry efforts, both by foot and canoe. Despite all of his years of backcountry experience, I respected him more for his ability to push past his doubt to find out his personal abilities applied in a wild setting.

As I thought about it more, setting out for a 100km ultra is objectively a major goal, but I was motivated to find out what I was capable of. Growing up in Southern Ontario, people were doubtful of the potential in the outdoor scene, as most would flock to the west. I was unsettled by this doubt, as I had to know what was possible with what I had access to. This resulted in exploring little wild spaces as a kid, joining the high school cross country team to find new trails, and by pushing myself to sleep outside as much as possible through multi-day trips. Exploring what was around me was a way of pushing past the grander doubt, while expressing myself passionately through the outdoors. After seeing what was possible in my younger years, I decided I was going to go back to trail running after a couple years of conforming to my personal doubts. This process started back in October 2023, with signing up for Sulphur Springs 100km trail race, as this was the first year where this event was going to be considered as a WSER lottery ticket qualifier. I was intimidated by the event, having completed the 20km race the year before and there was a lot of doubt to work through, but luckily I had time to figure it out.

 

Back at the shop, I continued on my day with buzzing anticipation for race day. My bags were packed, nutrition was dialed (or so I thought), and I was more than ready. The next day I would complete my first 100km ultra.

 

 

 

As the race began in the early hours in the morning, everything I needed was in my waist belt, synched to my hand, and spoken to me as I ran out the starting line. Having the necessary food and drink between my belt and the handheld was as important as having my family and friends saying their positive affirmations at the start line. The encouraging words yelled by loved ones played a crucial part because if you can sift through the love to find the doubt, then you can fuel the drive to find out. I could hear my mom say “Love you Matt!”, a friend smiled and hollered “Proud of you!”, all with a backup reserve of encouragement just in case I wouldn’t finish.

This felt too familiar, as I remember the discussions with my Dad this one time I headed into the backcountry of northern Ontario. I hiked for alone Eight days unsupported, with a 30L bag and a worn down pair of trail runners. Even though he had his doubts, his unbelief was buried in loving words right up until I left the trailhead. I was even uncertain of how I would handle the solitude, which led me to passionately chase this unknown part of myself in an unfamiliar setting in order to find out.

Back at the Sulphur Springs 100km race, I kept my pace slow and stayed on top of my mental space as I had three goals going into the race:

 

1. Have fun / be safe

2. Complete the last half faster than the first half 

3. Try for 15 hours

 

Within 1 hour of the beginning of the race, the rain had started and the collective energy was still high and buzzing. I held back so much energy but I took on too many gels over the course of the first 4 hours. The mud got deeper as the rain kept falling, my stomach stopped digesting, and my doubt increased.

 

 

I wrapped up my third lap at the 60km point of the race. My shoes were saturated with mud, my legs hurt (of course), and I couldn’t stomach another gell. I sat alone at the aid station as I tried to reassess how to complete the next 2 laps with a new nutrition plan. When I started to assess my feet, I heard my girlfriend Keiran yell out “he’s over here!” And at that point, my family and friends ran over with signs and smiles like I was a celebrity. They interrogated me with the typical questions, but with loving intentions, like “how do you feel?” The truth was I wasn’t feeling the best but I felt super encouraged to keep going. I regained my confidence between some stretching that alleviated a lot of pain, and warm broth and some watermelon that was easy on my gut. I swapped my shoes, after lubing up my feet again, because it was time to go fast. At that point I was 20 minutes behind my goal of 15 hours but I was completely revived so I laced up and took off.

I would retrace my thoughts back to February of that year, where I was chatting with my younger brother. We were sharing our perspectives on taking risks, his was around where to apply his academic physics skills next, whereas mine was centered around this race. I told him my uncertainty and doubts with my own goal and he highlighted a very important insight that really encouraged me. He told in the most blunt and simple way, that the only way to overcome my doubt was to find out. Whether it be success or failure, he told me that whatever the result was, it would at least allow me to improve to give the next attempt a better shot. The way he made it seem so simple brought the reality that finding out to overcome doubt is a relatively simple process, whereas overcoming expectation is more cumbersome to navigate. Through chasing an answer, I became more enticed to unlock some unknown part of me, which allowed me to take off.

 

 

 

After I crossed the finish line I reflected back on the sloppy, wet, and muddy conditions, the training that went into it, and my life leading up to that point. I went from being behind my goal pace, to picking it up the last 40 km to finish at an overall time of 14:51. I was able to accomplish all of my goals as I had fun, I was safe, I finished the last half faster than the first half, and I was under 15 hours. I also reflected on running in the snow all winter with Keiran and how it was comparably slippery to the mud.

 

I was extremely grateful for her support, but more so for her unwavering confidence for me to run 100 kilometers. She saw the passion, understood the unknown, and yet had no doubt. Her confidence was a breath of fresh air between my own internal struggles and others' uncertainty subdued their support. She encouraged me in moments where I was overwhelmed with doubt, because she saw other pieces of my potential that my doubt was clouding. What overwhelmed me with emotion the most, was as I reflected on the moments where I struggled with doubt and I would either take off or get swept away and never try.

As I stood there at the finish line, all these thoughts rolled through my brain too fast to comprehend, so I hobbled over and I wept as I held onto Keiran. Sure I succeeded in completing this goal, but I was also encouraged that I gave myself permission to put myself out there and to find out what is possible in my own unique experience beyond the doubt. There is new life to be found from the process of finding out, it is the difference between listening to the music and dancing to it. So what if you don’t succeed, that’s the beautiful part about it.

 

Just remember that when in doubt, just go find out.